THE BLING BLOG

Vera Wang Designs Everything; Kitchen Sink Is Next

I was flipping through the latest Town & Country bridal magazine and stumbled across a parade of ads for Vera Wang.  The usual suspects were there:  the bridal gowns, the bridesmaids dresses, the tabletop goods, the jewelry, the stationery, the Wang-appointed suite at the Halekulani in Honolulu... and then...  mattresses?!

Mattresses?!  The Vera Wang mattress?

Yes, apparently mattresses, too.  The Vera Wang mattress by Serta.

For an unintentionally hilarious and quasi-disturbing experience, go to Serta and click on old Vera's picture and watch a little video wherein the mattress mistress herself tells you in her nasal New Yawker voice how a mattress needs to be "romaaaantic" and how "life is but a dream" whilst rolling about on her mattress collection in her signature black adult footie-pajama-leggings or whatever it is that she always wears that make her look like a Cirque du Soleil performer.

Further, here are some words of mattress-aesthetic wisdom from Vera's marketing machine:

In designing her mattress collection, Vera Wang turned to what she knows best - bridal.  The Bridal bed is luxury at its simplest and most elegant.  Inspired by one of the designer's best-selling bridal dresses, the fabric on this Mega Eurotop mattress is woven with holographic thread to truly make it sparkle.

"Inspired by one of the designer's best-selling bridal dresses?"  Oops.  I think I know which one that is, too.  Take a look at the ad again and see if you can figure it out.

Tell me, readers, how would you feel if you and your beloved saw a $1500 pillowtop mattress at Billy Bob's Beds bearing the same sparkle and quilting pattern as your $5000 Vera Wang gown?

Don't get me wrong.  I really love Vera Wang's design sensibility.  Her personal look, not so much.  The whole black-on-black leaves a bit to be desired; it never changes.  But her collections are nearly always beautiful.  Her china patterns are graceful, the flatware is very pleasing and hefty in the hand, the crystal is elegant...

Even the jewelry quite nice.  Take a look at the Fine Jewelry.  I've heard, however, that the micro-pavé is only for the daintiest and low-impact of jewelry wearers, even more so that normal micro-pavé.  And I am not thrilled about how she is moving decidedly downmarket with some of her pieces.  Some are going for as little as $350 at mall jewelers, and I think it dilutes and compromises her brand.

And that's really what this is about, isn't it?  Branding?

She's selling the Vera Wang lifestyle and the Vera Wang brand.  The Vera Wang Bride needs Vera Wang shoes, Vera Wang bridesmaids, Vera Wang registry items, Vera Wang invitations, Vera Wang perfume, Vera Wang lingerie, and, apparently, a Vera Wang mattress.  All of it, thus far, in good taste.  But she's teetering on the precipice, no?  Is she going to jump the shark in the manner of Fonzie?  I am exhausted from typing "Vera Wang" and I know you're tired of reading it.

It's like total world domination.

In Very, Very Poor Taste

Oh, bother.

It's been a charming week for America.  First the unveiling of the annual gazillion dollar bra and now the $20 million wedding cake.  Charming.

This particular disaster, with the dubious distinction of being the most expensive wedding cake in the world (top that! and you know someone will), made its public debut Monday night in Beverly Hills at some ridiculous bridal show.

Its only apparent redeeming feature seems to be that the diamond/jewel creation portion was done by Mimi So, who is very talented and super creative and trés chic.

As for the cake itself?  It was created by Nahid La Patisserie Artistique.  The photo from Reuters isn't very good, but the cake itself doesn't look particularly, um, artistique....  and apparently it couldn't be eaten either.  And frankly, what good is damn cake if you can't eat it?

Exactly.

So Much To Talk About, Back From Vacation, But Still On The Road

I am back from vacation, sort of, but still on the road.  Work this time.

So much to discuss!

Project Runway.

The Monterey Classics.

Jewelry shopping in Carmel.

Dangers of squirrels while shopping near Tiffany & Co.  (hat tip to Etienne)

It's late.  We'll catch up tomorrow night, m'kay?

Overheard At Fancy Watch Store™ On Sunday Afternoon

Trey and I were shopping for his birthday present on Sunday.  It's going to be a watch of some sort.  We have our collective eye on one in particular...  more on that later.

Anyhow, we noticed at the Fancy Watch Store™ that they carried this tasteful timepiece by Jacob the Jailbird Jeweler.  We asked our salesperson about it, sort of with an ironic eyebrow twitch and nose wrinkle.

She responded with a full-on-to-the-ceiling exasperated eye roll, deep sigh and slight embarrassment.

"It doesn't even have Central time on it.  For $25,000.  And we're supposed to sell it.  Here in Central time zone."

I asked, "What would a jet-setter be doing in Central anyways?"

She scoffed, "Good point.  I'm leaving.  Now."

If I paid retail for jewelry, which I don't, I would buy Trey's watch from her.  Because she'd totally be worth the commission on the triple-keyed (wholesale x 3) price point.  Just for the levity.

Trashionista Trinkety Garbaggio: Snakes On A Plane On A Necklace On Your Visa On Your Credit Report On Your Permanent Record, You Fashion Victim, You

Deidre at Luxist found this ridiculously overpriced trinkety piece of trashionista garbaggio via Defamer being sold to fashion victims by the fashion victims at Shop Intuition.  You know the ones?  The same ones who brought you the Targèt Couture pieces.

$3900.  18K yellow gold with antique finish.  3D snake adorned with "sparkling diamonds."  (Though absolutely no mention whatsoever of total carat weight of said "sparklers," which might help to justify that pricetag a little.  Maybe.)  22" 18K yellow gold ball chain.   No returns.  Of course.

As I have suggested in the past, shove it in the drawer with the other overpriced gimicky tchotckes (the mud-flap girl, the diamond horseshoe, the lightning bolt, the diamond circle pendant, your personalized name pendant in 70s cursive, the Hello Kimora Kitty pendant, the Targèt Couture pendant, etc.) after its fifteen minutes are up and try to forget about it.  Try eBay!

But that Visa bill?  Oof.

Save me Heidi Klum!  Save me!

(photo from ShopIntuition)

Heidi Klum's Diverse Branding Enterprise

Would you buy these from Heidi Klum?

Heidi's Fruit Flirtations™, or as I like to call them, Klummi Bears™, are quite the rage in Europe.  They're gummi candies that come in frutti flavors like currant, lemon, grapefruit, etc.  Fat free!

While they may be "My Favorite Candies" to Heidi Klum, I would personally rather have one of these Joseph Schmidt truffles and slowly, gingerly eat tiny nibbles of it over the course of 48 hours and not have another one for six months than have an entire truckload of Klummi Bears™ at my disposal 365 days a year.

Don't get me wrong, I adore Heidi.  But wait for the next offering...

I found these gorgeous (ahem) things via Heidi's website and a subsequent link to the Birkenstock site, where there are numerous shoes ostensibly designed by Heidi herself.  I picked the two most heinous ones, though there are quite a few other choices.  The electric watermelon safari hightops are $600; the blueberry limeade Birks are $340.  Eek!

Heidi, Heidi...

Oh, but looky here!  She ultimately redeems herself.  Fo' schnitzel.

The Heidi Klum for Mouawad Collection of fine jewelry is good stuff.  Take a look here and here and here.  Heidi is always wearing pieces from the collection on Project Runway, too, and they look flawless.

Heidi says she was inspired by a clover-patterned marble inlay at the Duomo in Milan, and thought the clover would translate well to jewelry as good-luck charm that women could have.

Simple idea, yes, but beautifully executed.  Elegant in its simplicity, right?  I dare say I prefer these clovers to those of Van Cleef & Arpels 70s iconic Alhambra Collection, which feels outdated and clunky next to these.

The collection features only precious metals and stones, including yellow and white gold (some oxidized to look black) and platinum, pavé diamonds and sapphires in blue and pink.  She incorporates the clever use of leather bands and cords (as seen in the photo) for a more casual look, as well as having many decidedly elegant looks for evening.

She couldn't have picked a more reputable, or heavier hitter than Mouawad to pair up with in the jewelry world.

Almost makes the Klummi Bears™ and Birkenstocks forgivable, no?

Carry on.

(photo from Mouawad)

Jacob The Jeweler Pleads Not Guilty

Celebrity hip-hop jeweler Jacob Arabo, aka Jacob The Jeweler, plead not guilty today to money laundering charges.

He was first arrested on June 15 of this year, setting off alarms throughout the hip-hop, celebrity, and high-end jeweler communities.  The arrest is linked to a far-reaching case involving the so-called "Black Mafia Family" and many valuable pieces of jewelry, automobiles, homes and other property were seized in connection with the case.

He was originally charged with violating federal drug laws,

Which include conspiracy to distribute in excess of 476 kilograms of cocaine and laundering in excess of $270 million in U.S. currency...

But Jacob The Jeweler is free on a continued bond of $100,000 and is open for bidness.

Steven Kretchmer, Creator of The Tension Ring Dies

According to the JCK Group, jewelry designer Steven Kretchmer has died.

Kretchmer was the creator of the fantastic and much-emulated Tension-Set ring design.  His designs are especially close to my heart as my brother Tom gave his bride Brenda the platinum Omega.  Tom knew long before he ever met Brenda that this was the ring his intended would receive.  We discovered the rings in New York City in 1994; they married in 2000.

My good friend Erica from high school also has the platinum Omega, given to her by her husband Steve.  And my friend Melanie has the rose gold Omega, gifted to her by her husband Mark, affectionately known to my family as The Grub.

Take a minute and read about the Tension-Set on Kretchmer's site.  It's a marvel of engineering.  It is incredibly elegant in its simplicity.  12,000 pounds of compression per square inch.  No prongs.  Just pressure.  Lots and lots of pressure.  Amazing.  Graceful.  Sturdy.  Modern.  Timeless.

Thanks, Mr. Kretchmer, for helping make enduring memories for those I love.

Jacob The Jeweler Might Be In A Lot of Trouble

In breaking news from the JCK Group, celebrity blingster Jacob Arabo of Jacob & Co. was charged with violating federal drug laws,

Which include conspiracy to distribute in excess of 476 kilograms of cocaine and laundering in excess of $270 million in U.S. currency...

said the Feds this afternoon.  Crikey!

Arabo also known as "Jacob the Jeweler" whose real name is Jacob Arabov, 41, is a high end retailer and jewelry designer who is famous for his diamond jewelry and oversized diamond watches, as well as for his celebrity clientele, which includes David Beckham, Madonna, Sir Elton John, Naomi Campbell, and Sean Combs. The company's flagship store is located on 48 E. 57th St., New York.

You know, when you envision that there is a use for, and therefore create, a watch that sells for $1 million and tells the time in 24 time zones and calling it "The World Is Yours" timepiece, you've absolutely got to have enormous reserves of, ahem, energy.  And grandiosity.  And why not make a profit while you're at it?  That Bolivian marching powder is quite a seller to the fast-paced crowd.  It keeps them, um, fast.

But of course there is the predictable denial,

“The arrest of Mr. Arabov is the result of an unfortunate misunderstanding that we believe will be straightened out in the next several weeks," a spokeswoman for Jacob & Co. told JCK. "We are confident that once the government is advised of all the facts surrounding these issues that all of the charges against Mr. Arabov will be completely dismissed.”

Wait!  There's more,

The indictment also seeks criminal forfeiture of more than 30 pieces of jewelry, 13 residences, 35 vehicles, including Lincoln Limousine, BMWs, Range Rovers, Aston-Martin, and Bentleys, numerous bank accounts, over $1.2 million in seized currency, and a money judgment totaling $270 million.

Damn!  You know, it's hard out here for a pimp.

Next thing you know, those humorless French will be dissing hip-hoppers for their modest and private consumption of Cristal.  What is the world coming to?

(source JCK Group)

Oh, Bother. Another Celeb "Designing" Jewelry

According to the Luxist, we have yet another celebrity who has decided to branch beyond their day job and design him some jewels.  This time, it sort of saddens me, and I've been forced to be more thoughtful, since I kind of like this guy.

Evidently, that adorable Pharrell Williams has been chosen by Marc Jacobs to make a new line of pricey baubles for Louis Vuitton.  Pharrell has previously collaborated with Jacobs on a seriously  flashy sunglasses collection for LV.  It should be known that Pharrell will be working with a real jewelry designer, Camille Miceli, to produce the jewelry line.

According to the article, the goodies will be in the marketplace early next year.  Miceli has stated that the jewelry, "Is going to be jewels with such scale, so large - and of course very, very unique."

As opposed to only "very unique?"  Or simply "unique?"  Uniqueness, last I checked, didn't have disparate levels, no?  Unique, is, well, unique.

I digress.  Sorry, I had to snark a little because you all know exactly how I feel about celebrities adding new "qualifications" to their resumes, right?  Just say NO.

But, as the title said, "Oh, Bother..."  Because I simply adore that cute little Pharrell!  I can't help it.  The moment I saw his video for "Beautiful" - you know the one...  where he's all preppy-nerdy chic, singing in that falsetto with Snoop Dogg...  romancing the Brazilian honies...

I dunno, I was captivated.  He was selling something altogether new and refreshing.

When I saw that, I really had renewed hope for hip-hoppers, and I still do to some extent since Pharrell and the Neptunes are very much in their scene, and selling the Hell out of their records.

Pharrell likes him summa those canary diamonds (oh, yeah, he wore them waaaaaay before Poop Doody did) and dresses himself all fine and shit.  So maybe the goods he's "designing" for Louis Vuitton may actually be... good?

If anything, they will be decidedly high-end.  No QVC or HSN for Pharrell or Louis Vuitton.  Also not a snowball's chance in Hell they'll be sublimely, uh, sublime.  But for once I am cautiously curious.

Just, pleeeeeeease, pleeeeeeeease keeping making records, Pharrell.  This thirtysomething woman adores your music.