THE BLING BLOG

Oh, I Know That's Right, It's All THEIR Fault

I swear this is the last you'll hear from me on this.

Pamela Anderson Lee Anderson Lee Anderson Rock is evidently quite aghast at the "ugly" wedding photos snapped of her and her snazzy, sharp groom this past weekend in St. Tropez.

But really, now, what do you expect when you writhe about on the deck of a yacht, thirteen sheets to the wind, sucking down Champagne, Corona and cigars, wearing stupid hats, belly chains, filthy jeans, tiny sleazy bikinis that can barely contain her fleshy bits, white peep-toe stiletto heels (no doubt Jimmy Choo and leather, sorry PETA!), too many rings on Kid Rock (male hysteric diagnosis, check), going days without even the most basic, cursory hygiene and simply applying more liquid eyeliner, taking weaving parambulations about the quay with bodyguards (read:  walkers who will keep you from face-planting in the sand) in tow, eyes half-mast at all time, slurring nonsensical things about "rocking the most..."  what do you expect?

Do you expect that the paparazzi wouldn't want a picture or fifty of the filthy, slovenly, hot mess that is you and your ten minute marriage?  Further, do you expect that since your body is basically a hazardous waste zone, and your face a sheen of puffy bilious sweat, and your liver obviously bloated and distended with alcohol that you're somehow not going to take an ugly picture?

Duh.

Really, Kabbalah.  Or $cientology.

(photo from I Don't Like You In That Way)

(Not At All) "Like A Modern Day Brigitte Bardot"

This has been stuck in my craw since yesterday, and I need to expose in simple pictorial form how Pamela Anderson Lee Anderson Lee Anderson Rock is most definitely not "like a modern day Brigitte Bardot."

Granted, the person who said that bizarro quote (Tamara Mellon, CEO of Jimmy Choo) is completely off her psychotropics, but it occured to me that some people might actually think Pammie is the second coming of Bardot.

Yes, they're both bottle blondes, like to take their clothes off and nude up for giggles, and don't like fur.  I think that's where the similarities end.

Let's face it, Barb Wire will never be The Umbrellas of Cherbourg, m'kay?

As tarty as Bardot might have been in her younger days, she wasn't made of plastic, and there was some dignity about her.  Bimbo dignity, but dignity to be sure.  And sass.  See upper right photo.  This is irrefutable.  Anderson Lee Ander...  whatever - is utterly free of dignity.  See upper left photo.

The bawdy, raunchy, unwashed, burlesque thing is past its sell-by date, sister.  You're 39 years old.  Grow up.  Go, go, go...  join Kabbalah or something.

All I can say is, thank Xenu your kids live in Los Angeles where they go to school with kids whose parents are quite possibly weirder and more outlandish and more poorly behaved than you (hello, Mel Gibson, you complete douchebag).  Because Lord knows those kids would get ridiculed mercilessly in any elementary school in a flyover state if that photo at the top of the page (left) was seen by any of their classmates.

That's not a MILF, that's a MILTTVSDAAPTBAPBB.*

*Mom I'd Like To Throw Very Sharp Darts At And Pop Those Big Ass Phony Baloney Boobies

Sorry.  Something about jewelry tomorrow, I promise.

(photos from Google)

A Most Elegant Affair

In one of the most highly-anticipated (no, wait...  this was only announced a few days ago, so perhaps not so very highly anticipated after all) celebrity weddings of year, Pamela Anderson Lee Anderson Lee Anderson married Robert "Nuclear White Detroit Trailer Trash Wigga Kid Rock" Ritchie aboard a yacht in the harbor near St. Tropez.

Trés romantique!

It was the fourteenth marriage for Anderson Lee Anderson Lee Anderson who has two sons and Hep C by her first, second, third and fourth through fourteenth husband who is, remarkably, the same person, the slimy Tommy Lee, former drummer for 80s hair metal band Mötley Crüe.

Ritchie, aka "Kid Rock," though never previously married, has sired hundreds of children in the Detroit area.  On the surface, this may seem irresponsible.  One might expect a man of his stature to frequent gentlemen's clubs and therein spread his seed, however, he has been surprisingly selective, choosing to impregnate women employed by GM and other auto manufacturers.  Therefore, many of Kid's spawn are beneficiaries of the UAW's generous healthcare policies.  And we wonder why the American auto industry is in the crapper?

Moving on.

Celeb-luminaries in attendance included Tamara Mellon, CEO of Jimmy Choo, the London-based shoemaker, who was quoted saying about Anderson Lee Anderson Lee Anderson Rock,

"She was the most beautiful bride I've ever seen, like a modern-day Brigitte Bardot."

Mellon, who was dating (read:  copulating) Kid Rock only months ago is very obviously due for a tune-up on her meds and should see an ophthalmologist for degenerative myopia immediately.

When asked what their plans were, Ms. Anderson Lee Anderson Lee Anderson Rock simply giggled sweetly and bounced over to the (I'm sure it was PETA-approved) caviar-filled 24K bathtub where she would be photographed by celebrity lensman Dave LaChappelle who doubled as her maid of honor.

Mr. Rock responded with a rousing rendition of his timeless ballad, "Cowboy,"

Well I'm packing up my game and I'm a head out west
Where real women come equipped with scripts and fake breasts
Find a nest in the hills chill like Flynt
Buy an old drop top find a spot to pimp
And I'm a Kid Rock it up and down your block
With a bottle of Scotch and watch lots of crotch
Buy yacht with a flag sayin' chillin the most
Then rock that bitch up and down the coast
Give a toast to the sun, drink with the stars
Get thrown in the mix and tossed out of bars
Then to Tijuana...  I wanna roam
Find Motown and tell them fools to come back home
Start an escort service, for all the right reasons
And set up shop at the top of Four Seasons
Kid Rock and I'm the real McCoy
And I'm headin' out west sucker...  because I wanna be a
Cowboy baby

It's sort of prophetic, isn't it?

(photo from DListed - enlarge to see the ring - sort of blurry, but it's a big one)

And Still The Answer Is No, Hellz No

Continuing a theme we discussed a while back regarding so-called "grillz" and mouth jewelry, this morning's mailbox contained a particularly disturbing article from the ordinarily conscientious and righteously stylish folks at JCK Style.

I can usually glean from the articles if they're being downright ornery about a topic or a fad like this one, as I would be.  But I can't get a proper read on this one.  Take a look for yourselves.  They actually seem to be giving some sort due diligence in reporting on DecoDent's Tooth Jewels.  Must be a slow news day over at JCK.  A very, very slow news day.

The reason behind some bright smiles may not be bleach alone.  Enter Santa Barbara, Calif.-based DecoDent, an importer of German-made crystal teeth jewels with sparkling, light-reflecting coated backs.  Jewels mounted in 18k gold, are attached to teeth with dental material, and adhere to tooth surfaces for six months to several years.

Former dental hygienist Monika Linau got her own Tooth Jewel while working in Germany.  When she moved to the United States, her jewel attracted admirers, so she imported them for resale.  According to Linau, youths like the self-application kits and mature clients buy the longer-lasting gems that dentists must apply.  Jewelers aren't sold on the gems, but Linau says there's opportunity for Tooth Jewels in fashion-forward outlets.  "They've been marketed mainly to dentists and don't harm teeth," says Linau.  Some advice for users:  Get regular dental exams and brush teeth daily.  Don't use electric toothbrushes during the first 24 hours of new Tooth Jewel applications.  And don't worry if a jewel is accidentally swallowed, nature will take its course, "flushing" away your fixture - and your money, from $29.95 to $255.95 - in due time.

DecoDent is even giving grills competition.  Shapes like dollar signs and numbers are available in 18k white or 22k-24k yellow gold, and so are genuine diamonds.

Sexy.
 

What Could Be Better Than A Pug Dressed In A Giraffe Print?

Quite obviously, everyone here at the Bling Blog was ecstatic with Uli's and Einstein's victory.  The dress was (minus the little jacket) was absolute perfection from pattern, to cut, to fit, to mélange of prints.

In short, it was beautiful.  And what I liked, too, was the look on her face because she knew she'd nailed it.  She had such a gleeful expression.

And Uli's adoration of her little cuddle-umpkins, the curiously-named Einstein, was very endearing as well.

Does anyone recall Einstein's obsequiousness when he buried his mug in her cleavage on the work table?

Classic Pug move.

Even Nixon and Linus, as proud of their puggishness as they are, scoffed a bit at the irony of naming a Pug after, well, a genius.  Pugs are known for many things.  Genius is not one of them.

Parading about in a glossy, giraffe-print get-up that says "Hey Ladies?"

Yes, most definitely.  If you have a Pug, you would concur.  If you have ever met a Pug, ditto.  One of our Pugs?  No doubt.

Even better, one that would've said, "Hey Ladies, Where's The Cheese?"  I think we might even have one of those around here.  Um, not really.

Katherine?  As for the aufing of Katherine?  Whatever.  Should've listened to Uncle Tim.  Green is my favorite color and she managed to make it look insipid.  The dog looked cuter than the model.

Angela?  I'm actually curious to see what sort of garishly creepy crap Angela will come up with next week.  Seriously?  That "English kindergarten teacher in Paris" was inspired.  Inspired by illicit substances procured from her solar-powered homegrown organic off-the-grid farm in O-high-o.  But yeah, inspired.  Crikey.

Michael?  Wow!  The top of that tweedy dress was beautifully constructed, no?  Can they please pay some more attention to him?  I would like to have seen more of the work that went into that.  Perhaps the editing is such that they're going to surprise us (!) with him later this season.  Idiots.

Laura?  Wow again!  Mongolian lamb, good stuff...  As much as she hated that little dog, she rose to the occasion, which did not surprise me in the least.  I wonder if at some point she will get challenged by Tim or the judges to move out of her trés elegant comfort zone.  Oh, definitely she will be.

Kayne?  Liked the Missoni stuff, but not the printed patent leather.  Kind of garish.  But the Missoni prints, yummy.

Keith?  He needs to have an unfortunate accident.  On purpose.  He's like benzene in the water.  He could've made spats or little red boots for that cool dog and won.  Instead he had to be a piss ant.

Vincent?  What's with the chapeaux all the time?  I would've been rolling down the runway trying to get that off of my head, too.  And the leggings?  What was that?

Bradley?  Smoking what Angela is smoking.  And if that could be in Elle Magazine, Nina, I shall not buy Elle Magazine.  It looked like a glazed Stay-Puft doughnut.

Robert?  Nicely done, as usual.  Chanel doggie?  Yawn.

Jeffrey?  Surprisingly not post-Apocalyptic!  Some actual construction.  Hmmm...  is there talent there?  Gasp!  He actually looked sort of giddy sitting there watching his work on the runway.  The bad man likes the little doggies!  Maybe not a sociopath after all...

Alison?  Poor thing, she really though she'd win, didn't she?  Not as good as Uli, though.  But formidable.  Were they throwing little visual daggers at one another?  The hair on the model was awful, if seen on the street, but perfect for the poodle ensemble.  I mean, really perfect.  She had the whole ensemble pulled together.  And she's so chipper.

Bonnie?  Is she still there?  Which one is she?

(photos from Bravo)

Trashionista Trinkety Garbaggio: Snakes On A Plane On A Necklace On Your Visa On Your Credit Report On Your Permanent Record, You Fashion Victim, You

Deidre at Luxist found this ridiculously overpriced trinkety piece of trashionista garbaggio via Defamer being sold to fashion victims by the fashion victims at Shop Intuition.  You know the ones?  The same ones who brought you the Targèt Couture pieces.

$3900.  18K yellow gold with antique finish.  3D snake adorned with "sparkling diamonds."  (Though absolutely no mention whatsoever of total carat weight of said "sparklers," which might help to justify that pricetag a little.  Maybe.)  22" 18K yellow gold ball chain.   No returns.  Of course.

As I have suggested in the past, shove it in the drawer with the other overpriced gimicky tchotckes (the mud-flap girl, the diamond horseshoe, the lightning bolt, the diamond circle pendant, your personalized name pendant in 70s cursive, the Hello Kimora Kitty pendant, the Targèt Couture pendant, etc.) after its fifteen minutes are up and try to forget about it.  Try eBay!

But that Visa bill?  Oof.

Save me Heidi Klum!  Save me!

(photo from ShopIntuition)

Heidi Klum's Diverse Branding Enterprise

Would you buy these from Heidi Klum?

Heidi's Fruit Flirtations™, or as I like to call them, Klummi Bears™, are quite the rage in Europe.  They're gummi candies that come in frutti flavors like currant, lemon, grapefruit, etc.  Fat free!

While they may be "My Favorite Candies" to Heidi Klum, I would personally rather have one of these Joseph Schmidt truffles and slowly, gingerly eat tiny nibbles of it over the course of 48 hours and not have another one for six months than have an entire truckload of Klummi Bears™ at my disposal 365 days a year.

Don't get me wrong, I adore Heidi.  But wait for the next offering...

I found these gorgeous (ahem) things via Heidi's website and a subsequent link to the Birkenstock site, where there are numerous shoes ostensibly designed by Heidi herself.  I picked the two most heinous ones, though there are quite a few other choices.  The electric watermelon safari hightops are $600; the blueberry limeade Birks are $340.  Eek!

Heidi, Heidi...

Oh, but looky here!  She ultimately redeems herself.  Fo' schnitzel.

The Heidi Klum for Mouawad Collection of fine jewelry is good stuff.  Take a look here and here and here.  Heidi is always wearing pieces from the collection on Project Runway, too, and they look flawless.

Heidi says she was inspired by a clover-patterned marble inlay at the Duomo in Milan, and thought the clover would translate well to jewelry as good-luck charm that women could have.

Simple idea, yes, but beautifully executed.  Elegant in its simplicity, right?  I dare say I prefer these clovers to those of Van Cleef & Arpels 70s iconic Alhambra Collection, which feels outdated and clunky next to these.

The collection features only precious metals and stones, including yellow and white gold (some oxidized to look black) and platinum, pavé diamonds and sapphires in blue and pink.  She incorporates the clever use of leather bands and cords (as seen in the photo) for a more casual look, as well as having many decidedly elegant looks for evening.

She couldn't have picked a more reputable, or heavier hitter than Mouawad to pair up with in the jewelry world.

Almost makes the Klummi Bears™ and Birkenstocks forgivable, no?

Carry on.

(photo from Mouawad)

Reader Question: Is It Jewelry Or Parrot Poop?

Susanna,

What the Hell was Miss Paraguay wearing on her ear(s) at the Miss Universe pageant during the evening gown competition?  Did a parrot take a gigantic Technicolor™ crap on one side of her head as she entered the Dorothy Chandler Pavillion?

Ali F., Los Angeles, CA

Ali,

Funny you should ask, as we wondered the same thing here at the Bling Blog.  Or at least I did.

Not exactly the "parrot take a gigantic Technicolor™ crap" part, though I admire your way with words, and I always have.

There were definitely similar musings along the lines of "but, there's only one of them.  And, shouldn't there be two?  But the one must be so heavy, right?  And if there were two, she'd have a neck like a linebacker.  But the one earring thing, well, it is so 1983...  and never to return, even to Paraguay."

In the happy corners of my heart and mind where the narwhals and unicorns frolic and braid cotton candy into ribbons so they can play jump rope with the Rothschild Giraffes, I was wishing and hoping that it would be some delightful, super-tasty semi-precious tropical fruit salad of tourmaline, peridot, citrine and intricately woven yellow gold.

Alas, that single earring, it was so very, very large, that it could only have been fashioned of faux materials that would glimmer under the spotlights, such as Swarovski crystals and light metal and be only heavy enough to keep her air-filled head from floating off her tiny body.

(photo from Getty Images, click to enlarge)

The Mikimoto Miss Universe Crown And Grouper Lips

There it is, the Miss Universe Crown created by the masters at Mikimoto.

Conspicuously absent from Miki's site, there are oodles of details about it on the Miss Universe site, including its recent history as the new pageant crown since 2002.  Though the big crown belongs to the pageant franchise itself, each Miss Universe receives a $20,000 diamond and pearl tiara of her very own.  (squeal!)

Some details?

Valued at $250,000.

800 diamonds, almost 18 carats.

120 pearls South Sea and Akoya pearls, ranging in size from 3.0 - 18 mm.

Design depicts the phoenix rising, which signifies status, power and beauty.

Huh?  Looks a bit more like something that a Carnivale princess might wear atop her head in lieu of a basket of fruit whilst dancing the samba in the streets of Ipanema along with tassles and spangles and sequins and bits of feathers covering her good-time girlie bits, but whatever.  They're not asking me to wear it.  (Though secretly, I must admit that I might like to wear it to vacuum in if it ever fell into my hands.)

Anyhow, at left is the new Miss Universe, Zuleyka Rivera, the former Miss Puerto Rico.  Check out that flesh-toned gown festooned with chains.  Many an SCA geek's heart was a-thumpin' across America last night.

The big-sisterly type in me sort of worries about this newly-crowned Miss Universe.  At the tender age of eighteen, her lips already look more like a grouper's lips than an actual grouper's lips.

Holy Restylane!  I mean, if you're injecting that much goo into your face at eighteen?  Well, here's hoping all that AIDS campaigning and crusading the Miss Universe pageant requires of her doesn't get in the way of her true life's work...  acting!

Isn't this (!) what happened to the last Miss Puerto Rico who became Miss Universe?  Thought so.

I think the formidable, possibly intelligent (?!) polyglot Miss Japan got straight-up robbed.  Yeah, she won the costume thingy, not the big enchilada.  But first runner-up Miss Japan may have a chance after all, since the new Miss Universe fainted shortly after being crowned.

(photos from MissUniverse.com)

Pugs In Pearls - A Most Regal Portrait Of Puggishness

Always aiming to please, here we have a brief photo essay entitled Regal Pugs In Pearls.

At left is Linus, a six year-old apricot fawn Pug in four different strands of round, natural (not dyed!) color freshwater pearls, varying from 8-11mm and a haughty expression.

At right is Nixon, a six year-old smutty fawn Pug in a single strand of 13-14mm grey-black South Seas pearls and a soft, friendly, sleepy, but loving expression.

All pearls are strung to order, and priced upon request.  Dog hair not included.

(photography done by the reluctant but ever-game Trey, click to enlarge for detail)