A Theory. With Legs.

My father-in-law, the esteemed Dr. H., Board certified and licensed to practice both neurology and psychiatry, is a fascinating man.  He is, in my estimation, one of the greatest human beings on the planet.  And he'd be that without the Dr. prefix and MD suffix he earned to add to his name.  He's top shelf.  He's Live At Budokan.  He's all that.

He also has some interesting theories which have their basis in psychiatry, some of which have turned out to have legs in spite of any actual empirical scientific testing.  Clues and indicators he picked up in clinical settings.  There is tried-and-true mileage on some of these theories which are based on anecdotal (though clinical) evidence.  These are theories in which his sons were indoctrinated as part of their own adjunct college education.

What is particularly amusing, even though he hasn't practiced psychiatry in about 30 years, is that unless pressed he will not admit to knowing a whole lot about it.  It's sort of like my own father, the science Ph.D., who, too, will only admit under pointed questioning under hot klieg lights that he posseses a degree in Psychology, albeit an undergraduate minor degree.

In spite of the semi-denial of his psychiatric qualifications, many of his theories involve the presence of an hysteric.  A male hysteric, a female hysteric...  an hysteric.  As many of you know, the term hysteric is, at best Freudian (yes, I'm being derisive) in its most modern usage, and the new term is histrionic.  Essentially, this personality type demonstrates certain behavior patterns,

In psychiatry, histrionic personality disorder (HPD), or hysterical personality disorder, is a personality disorder which involves a pattern of excessive emotional expression and attention-seeking, including an excessive need for approval and inappropriate seductiveness, that usually begins in early adulthood.

The essential feature of the histrionic personality disorder is a pervasive and excessive pattern of emotionality and attention-seeking behavior. These individuals are lively, dramatic, enthusiastic, and flirtatious. They may be inappropriately sexually provocative, express strong emotions with an impressionistic style, and be easily influenced by others.  (source:  Wikipedia.org)

Upon first examination, this may sound like a lot of people you know.  Probably at least one in your office and more than five at your gym.  And definitely the entire cast of "Desperate Housewives."  And Tom Cruise.  David Beckham.  Paris Hilton.  Kimora Lee Simmons.  Men who roast in tanning beds.  And so on.

The esteemed Dr. H. posits that the female hysteric has certain calling cards.  One of which is a specific type of grooming.  As well most definitely a particular type of dress.  And hairstyle, too, but that's not what we write about here.

And finally, what you've been waiting for, specific types of jewelry worn in specific amounts.  I have expanded on his theory involving the female hysteric to include my own regarding the male hysteric.

1.  Rings

   -  more than two rings on either hand though one must never exceed a total of five rings on both hands (with the exception of narrow multiple "stacking" rings on a single finger or wedding sets - concepts his wife and I have explained to him on numerous occasions are definitely acceptable, and about which he is still skeptical - he's German and therefore prone to bouts of inflexibility)

    -  several rings on each hand (including thumb rings, pinky rings, rings with dangling things, rings with spinning things, rings with floating things, rings which can snap open and closed for the storage of illicit drugs, rings which don't slide over the second knuckle but instead rest in the middle of the finger)

    -  in this category, the presence of crystals or other doo-dads embedded or glued onto one-inch plus airbrushed acrylic claws also qualify - holiday-themed nails are also a sure sign of brewing hysteria

    -  sadly, the toe ring also fits in this category (though he has been partly convinced that one delicate toe ring of actual karat gold might, under some circumstances, be acceptable - like if he doesn't see it or know it's there)

2.  Man Jewelry

    -  this category includes anything seen on a man beyond a wedding ring, a class ring, a functioning/functional and tasteful (read: not one of those ginormous diamond-crusted jobs that tell the time in 24 time zones) watch, and any bonafide military or religiously-oriented pieces

    -  it goes without saying that a man in a toe ring instantly qualifies for male hysteric status

There is a semi-precise math to this theory as well.  For example, a single thumb ring actually counts as two rings.  RIngs with spinning, dangling or floating things also count as two rings.  A ring which serves as a vehicle for transporting one's cocaine counts as 666 rings.  And toe rings are an indicator, though their precise quantification is as-yet undetermined.  When he practiced psychiatry toe rings were not de rigeur.

So, taking these theories with you as you go about your day, see if any of it rings true (so to speak).  Survey your environment, take note of people and what they're wearing on their hands.  And let me know your findings.

My goal is to develop a comprehensive field guide to the male and female hysterics, complete with photo examples.  So that one day we can give it to friends, family members, and our children.  That way we can avoid them, and thus avoid any unnecessary histrionics.

There is plenty of that already on TV, in the movie theater, and on the cover of the magazines in the grocery store check-out lane.

Comments

[Lisa]

So man bracelets - no? My dad will be so pissed. :)

(The first time my husband saw The Sopranos, he looked over at me and said, "You do notice they all dress like your dad, right?" Except my dad doesn't wear track suits. And he's not Italian. But still, it's eerie.)

[Susanna]

Hilarious about your Dad and the track suits and goombah get-ups. I think he's probably very comfortable with himself.

My Dad wears some sort of bracelet, but I think it's for vertigo or something. Not sure. It turns his skin green. He's pretty concerned about looking tidy, so I am compelled to believe it's a must-wear item. Maybe I will ask - there's a thought.

His wife being a jeweler, and the 70s and 80s just not that far back in the rearview mirror, he has quite a collection of gold chains, bezel-set coins, bracelets, rings, shark's teeth, etc.

The only thing he'll wear now is the shark tooth on SCUBA trips. But I think it somehow disappeared a year ago.

[henri-v]

Hah! The boyfriend refuses jewelry -- partly because of his manly aesthetics, and partly because he suspects anything he wears will get caught in machinery and damage him. (It's nice that he pays attention to baubles on women, though.)

Stranger still, my guy friends hanker for man-bracelets for some bizarre reason. One was particularly jealous that man-jewelry is under-represented in the current market. I guess he was born a generation too late ...

[kim]

I am proud to say that I don't know any hysterics. However, does this count: I used to like to wear four little thin silver rings on my pinky, the third from the bottom with a tiny, dangling heart. It was subtle, but I thought quite lovely. I was in my early '20's and was a tad more, um, outgoing then. And I wore a gold ring on my thumb for about 5 years approaching my 20's and slightly past. Am I a reformed hysteric?

[Wendy]

Hmm. How does Dr. H. feel about watches and bracelets on the same wrist? When I wear my gold panterra link watch I wear a plain gold rolo link bracelet (toggle clasp) with it.

I fear, although I usually wear only 2 rings at a time (occasionally a third stacking ring), I am in danger of becoming an (fair weather) hysteric! The only reason I haven't been wearing my albeit delicate karat gold toe ring is that I lost weight and actually need to size it down.

[Susanna]

These theories really put all of us in the position of questioning ourselves!

On the very day when I first heard the theory, I was wearing five (count e'm! FIVE!) stacking rings on one hand and and three on the other.

Kim, you've seen that five-ring arrangement and quite liked it. I still like it. I love stacking rings, even ones on pinky fingers that dangle.

As well, I think I was wearing my hair on top of my head - one of the key indicators for hysteria.

I may just be a hysteric and not know it. Perhaps that, too, is a sign of hysteria? Abject denial and finger-pointing? AGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

And as for our male friends who like bracelets, they may, indeed, have been born a generation too late. My Dad's man-jewelry has been collecting dust for a long time now.

The bracelet/watch combination is lovely when done right, which it sounds as if it is, Wendy.

I wouldn't mind a toe ring myself. I'd just have to wear a sock over it if I went to Dr. H.'s house!

[tree hugging sister]

I'm just hysterical.

[Jen]

Two words: Puff. Daddy.

[kim]

I love your stacking rings. I consider them a benchmark for stacking perfection. You are the champion sexy-ring stacker of all time. You are not an hysteric.

[coach purses]

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