And what lovely events they turned out to be; so lovely in fact that even Hugh Grant who had nothing better to do since splitting up with Jemima Khan didn't show up. The fact that Hughie didn't show up was almost as newsworthy as the wedding itself. Heh. (Go Hugh!)
Now, what was I talking about... Oh!
Here's the ring, finally. Remember when we last spoke about her she didn't have an engagment ring yet, was allergic to her intended's entire country and wasn't washing her hands?
Well, she's got one now and it's real purty.
It's a 15.09-carat Asscher-cut diamond set in white gold with a pavé band. According to British Vogue the ring,
"...was bought by the couple from the "Haute Joallerie" collection at Chopard's Bond Street store. Elizabeth's close friend Caroline Gruosi-Scheufele, who is also the creative director and co-president of Chopard, designed the engagement ring especially for the occasion. The jewellers also created the bride's wedding band - 20 square-cut 3.91 carat diamonds also set in white gold."
Okay. Two things.
1. Bought by the couple from Chopard? No. I think not. Liz Hurley is a hired shill for Chopard. She is forever seen wearing Chopard everything. Earrings, watches, necklaces, rings. Tiaras. Especially tiaras if she can get her mitts on them.
2. Twenty square-cut 3.91-carat diamonds set in white gold for a wedding band? Must be a typo. Her finger would have to be the girth of my wrist to handle twenty nearly 4-carat diamonds in band form. I think that's 3.91 carats total carat weight.
I hope you're all as thrilled as I am that this affair gave her the opportunity to dress up like a "pretty, pretty princess" (thank you, Bingley) and have many, many wardrobe changes over the course of eight or ten days.
As well it allowed her to drag her already spooky-looking-and-not-ironically-named-Damian kid, expose him to more flashbulbs all, I suppose, in the name of family.
Ugh, poor kid... with a mother like that and an absent sperm-donor priapistic billionaire for a father?
And now a new stepfather who says their life on the farm in Gloucestershire is rather idyllic:
"I'll take Damian out on the tractor while Elizabeth cooks. It's a bit like the Waltons."
Right... Just like that. Can you hear it now? I can.
Damian: G'night Mummy.
Elizabeast: Damian, have you seen Mummy's ring?
Damian: Oh, no, Mummy. What ring?
Elizabitch: Mummy's shiny, shiny ring from her wedding.
Damian: The ring you wore at the wedding that lasted for six thousand ten million months and years?
Elizzardbreath: Yes, Damian, sweet Little Lord Fauntleroy, that one, where Mummy wore the tiara on nights 1, 2, 4, 5 and 7.
Damian: The big knuckle-buster ring you wore at the wedding where they sacrificed the goat and Shilpa Shetty danced until she puked and some weird ladies painted me with mustard paste and Uncle Hugh didn't come because he has some sense?
Eslatternly: Yeeeeees, that one. Have you seen my pretty, pretty ring?
Damian: Uhhh... nope. And neither has Paddington.
(photo from British Vogue)